66. More Journals From Rehab Pt. 3
During my time in rehab, I committed to keeping a daily journal—a space where I could pour out my thoughts, struggles, and reflections as I faced the challenges of recovery head-on. Writing became a vital outlet for me, helping me process the rollercoaster of emotions that came with detox and healing. These passages reflect the highs and lows of my journey, from the depths of withdrawal to moments of clarity and growth. Each entry is a raw reflection of my battle with addiction and my determination to rebuild my life. Please keep in mind that I was fresh off a relapse when these entries were written, so my thoughts may not be as clear or organized as usual. What you’ll find here is raw, honest, and deeply personal—my unfiltered experience of trying to piece my life back together.
Day 4 – Detox (05/25/2024)
Last night was a really good night. Since we’re allowed to stay up later on the weekends, three other patients and I hung out watching TV and swapping funny “war stories” from our time in active addiction. Even though making light of those times is usually discouraged, there’s a certain comfort in finding humor in the ridiculous things we did during our active addiction. It felt good to laugh and bond with them.
My sleep, however, was a different story. While it wasn’t great, it was a little better than the past few nights, which gives me hope that things are slowly improving. I feel like I may be on the up and up. The group of patients here is great right now, mostly men, and surprisingly, no one has rubbed me the wrong way yet. Of course, that can change, but for now, it’s nice to feel at ease around everyone.
Last night, an Alcoholics Anonymous speaker came in to lead a meeting. I actually know him from when I was clean before. He was incredible. His message was emotional and powerful, hitting home in a way I needed. After the meeting, he pulled me aside and asked what my plan was. I told him I’m staying for rehab after detox, but I’m still on the fence about long-term treatment. He gave me his number and offered to help me find a good program, which I really appreciate. I’m definitely going to keep in touch with him as I navigate this journey. To be honest, the thought of entering a long-term program feels overwhelming. Being away from my family and my dog, Bumpy, for months is hard to accept. That’s the part I struggle with the most but deep down, I know it’s probably what’s best for me.
This morning brought a small victory: I managed to hold down breakfast for the first time since entering detox. That felt like a big win. Some of the groups they’ve held so far have been among the best I’ve attended in all five times I’ve been in this program. It feels like there’s something different this time, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. I don’t know if it’s the nurses, the counselors, the groups, or the fact that I’m here by choice this time. In the past, I entered treatment to please someone else, but this time, I made the decision myself because I knew I so desperately needed help. My addiction had taken full control of me again, and I knew I couldn’t stop on my own.
Today, I’m feeling grateful. I’m getting to know the other patients on a deeper level, and I genuinely enjoy being around them. Despite our different stories, our struggles are so similar. I started tapering off Methadone and Valium this morning, and in about three days, I’ll be done with detox and ready for rehab. It’s a relief to have some downtime on the weekends to relax—watching TV, doing arts and crafts, or just chilling. Oddly enough, enjoying leisurely activities is still hard for me at times. When I’m using, my downtime is filled with drinking and doing drugs. When I’m clean, I struggle to fill my downtime. Rehab is helping me figure out healthier ways to manage that free time.
We had another AA meeting this morning, and it was a good one. On Saturdays, we get two AA meetings—one in the morning and one in the evening. The speaker spoke about grief, which was exactly what I needed to hear. I’ve been really struggling with the death of my best friend, Chris. I’ve experienced loss before, but burying my best friend was something I never imagined. The grief is hard to put into words, and it’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. I’m hoping the counselors here can help me develop healthier coping skills to deal with the grief I’m carrying.
Later in the day, I met with my counselor, and she gave me a list of long-term treatment programs spread across New York—some upstate, some in Long Island, and others in New York City. It’s still early days, so I don’t need to make any decisions just yet. Part of me thinks it would be cool to live in New York City for a few months, but I’m going to research each program to see what feels like the best fit for me.
I’ve made it to all the groups so far, which I’m proud of. In detox, you aren’t required to attend groups, but I’ve made it a personal goal to go to every single one. Sitting in my room makes the day drag on endlessly. There’s no clock, no TV, and all I can do is stare out the window at the occasional passing car. Attending groups helps me stay out of my head, keeps me occupied, and makes detox go by just a little bit quicker. When my mind isn’t busy, thoughts of leaving start creeping in. I want to take as much information from these groups as possible so that I’m able to apply it to my life when I’m back home.
Dinner tonight was decent. I had a ham and cheese sandwich, a side salad, chicken noodle soup, and a chocolate chip cookie for dessert. It wasn’t the best meal, but it hit the spot, and I was able to keep it down, which is another small victory. We ended the night with our second AA meeting, and once again, it was powerful. These meetings are the highlight of my day. They help break up the monotony and give me hope for my own recovery. Now, I’m looking forward to a relaxing evening. Today was a pretty good day, and I’m feeling grateful to be sober again. For the first time in a while, I’m beginning to look forward to the future. As much as I know the road ahead won’t be easy, I feel more prepared to face it than I have in a long time.
And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope. If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.
