26. Understanding Relapse
Substance use disorders (SUDs) continue to pose a significant public health concern worldwide, with relapse being a common and often very challenging aspect of the recovery process. Relapse in SUDs is defined as the return to substance use after a period of abstinence. Relapse can be considered a part of the recovery process for individuals with SUDs; however, it is NOT a requirement. There are countless alcoholics and addicts who got sober on their first attempt and never had to experience relapse and the devastation that can come from it. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people. I often refer to myself as a “chronic relapse.” I was constantly getting clean and relapsing, seemingly stuck in the vicious cycle of addiction. There were times when I completed a rehab program and found myself using again that very night. Although relapse is generally looked at as a negative experience, there are many positives that can be taken from it. It is extremely important to recognize that relapse is NOT a sign of personal failure but rather a complex phenomenon influenced by various factors. Let me walk you through my first-ever relapse in this week's column!
In 2018, I entered a 28-day rehab program for the first time. Although I initially went to please family members, my mindset on being sober did begin to shift after completing detox. I buckled down and decided to give the process a chance. I attended all my groups, diligently took notes, participated whenever possible, and completed all the assignments that I was assigned. I began to truly think I would be able to remain sober for the rest of my life. Toward the end of my 28 days, I even asked my counselor that I be transferred to a long-term, three-month, rehab program. She agreed and we filled out all the necessary paperwork so that I could be admitted. I was discharged and picked up on my 28th day by a family friend who brought me home briefly so that I could pack for the long-term rehab.
Upon being discharged from the 28-day program, the staff gave me back my cell phone. I was going through all the text messages I had received while I did not have possession of my phone (they don’t allow patients access to their cell phones in most programs). They were coming in one after another, tons of text messages. That’s when a text from my dealer popped up. He asked if I was okay because I had abruptly left for that first rehab without telling anyone other than my family. I do not believe he asked me that because he was genuinely worried about me. Instead, I think he just wanted to make sure I wasn’t dead because of taking something he had sold me. In today’s society, that can potentially lead to serious legal consequences for dealers, and rightfully so!
I remember sitting in the car as we drove to the long-term program when I began experiencing my first real cravings. You see that text triggered something in me. I wasn’t sure exactly what had caused it at the time, but looking back now, I know it was that text from my dealer. I immediately answered him. I told him that I had gone on vacation and would be back in three months' time. I asked that he have one thousand Xanax pills ready for me the day I was supposed to return home from long-term treatment. For the next two days, I could not shake the thought of using. It was literally all I could think about. I eventually gave in to the temptation and told my counselors that I did not intend on staying any longer and would be going home. Against the nurses, doctors, and counselors' advice, I began to pack my bags and was on the road home later that day. I was using Xanax that very night and began drinking alcohol the following day. Not even six hours after returning home from my first rehab stint, I had relapsed.
While relapses in SUDs are generally viewed as setbacks and can be extremely challenging to navigate, there are positives that can potentially be taken from the experience. It's essential to remember that these positives should not undermine the importance of seeking help and avoiding relapse whenever possible. My first counselor, the man who was able to get me into my first 28-day program is an exceptionally wise man. I was very fortunate to be a patient of his for several years. He would always tell me that he believed that an entire comprehensive rehabilitation treatment plan could be created by “taking a fine-tooth comb and combing through an addict's relapse.” It took me a long time to fully grasp that idea of his. I eventually realized what he meant by “combing” through all the details was that we could eventually determine exactly what triggered the cravings, what to do if it happens in the future, and what I learned from the experience. He would have me explain in detail what had happened that led up to the relapse. By doing this, we were able to develop techniques and coping skills to use should I find myself in that type of situation again. He helped me establish new coping skills, stress reduction techniques, and mindfulness-based practices. Recognizing that relapse can be a powerful learning experience, my counselor helped me build resilience by addressing the underlying issues that contributed to my relapse. He emphasized the importance of self-compassion and an understanding that recovery is a journey with ups and downs. Each relapse, while painful and difficult, provided valuable insights into my triggers and vulnerabilities, helping me develop a personalized relapse prevention plan.
Years later, I eventually started using the tools, techniques, and coping mechanisms that I had learned from my counselor. It was not an easy process, but I gradually regained control of my life. While I still faced challenges along the way, the lessons learned from my first relapse played a vital role in shaping my determination to maintain sobriety.
Relapse can be a very distressing part of the recovery process for individuals with SUDs. Should a relapse occur, it should be viewed as an opportunity for growth, self-reflection, and a renewed commitment to the recovery journey. It should not be perceived as a moral failure. Emphasizing self-compassion can lead to valuable insights that aid in creating an individualized recovery plan. While relapse is not ideal, it can provide an opportunity for growth and resilience in the journey toward long-term sobriety. With appropriate treatment, support, and relapse prevention strategies in place, individuals can reduce their risk of relapse and achieve sustained recovery. Remember, recovery is a journey, and each step, whether forward or backward, can bring us closer to a healthier and more fulfilling life.
And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope. If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.
