60. Understanding Relapse
In last week’s column, I discussed in detail my latest relapse, which sadly occurred in early May. Relapse in substance use disorders (SUDs) is a complex and often misunderstood component of the recovery process. It refers to the return to drug or alcohol use after a period of abstinence. I’m writing this from my bedroom at Odyssey House, a long-term residential treatment center in the Lower East Side of New York City, where I’ve been in treatment for a little over 50 days. I’m devastated by my relapse, especially after accumulating nearly four years of sobriety. I constantly find myself asking this question: How could this have happened?
Since getting clean back in 2020, I was able to repair many relationships that my drug use had destroyed and reclaim many material things I had given away due to my addiction. I had completely turned my life around, so how did I end up back with alcohol and drugs—the very things that destroyed my life?
Relapse in substance use disorders is a complex concept. No one is immune to it, no matter how far along they are in their recovery. It is a part of many alcoholics’ and addicts’ recovery journeys. However, there are those addicts who are fortunate and were able to get clean on their first attempt and never picked up a drink or drug again. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people. Relapse is a significant part of my story, with more occurrences than I can count.
As I mentioned earlier, I am absolutely devastated that I relapsed. I often find myself sitting around and thinking about my relapse and how it led me to a treatment center in New York City in the middle of summer, my favorite time of the year. As part of my ongoing commitment to my recovery, I had to make the decision to check myself into treatment. It was not an easy decision, but it was a necessary one. I needed to confront my relapse head-on and get the help I so desperately needed. Initially, I viewed my relapse as a huge failure and a sign of weakness. In many ways, it is, but it is important that I reframe this perspective. Relapse can happen to anyone in recovery, regardless of their commitment and resolve. Addiction is a chronic disease, characterized by periods of remission and potential recurrence of symptoms. However, it is essential to remember that relapse does not equate to failure. It can serve as a valuable lesson, offering insights into unaddressed triggers and the need for additional support. Recovery is a lifelong journey, and each step, whether forward or backward, is an integral part of the process. In the treatment center, I found a community of individuals who understand my struggle, offering a space of empathy and shared experiences. This collective resilience and determination fortified my resolve to not only overcome my addiction but to grow from it.
Recovery from substance use disorders is not a linear process. It involves multiple stages and can include periods of progress and setbacks. For some, relapse is part of their recovery journey, providing opportunities to learn and develop coping strategies. However, it is essential to recognize that not all individuals will experience relapse. Some people may achieve long-term recovery without significant setbacks, highlighting the diverse nature of recovery pathways. Understanding that there are various factors that contribute to relapse is extremely important. By reframing relapse as a potential part of the recovery process rather than a failure, we can reduce stigma, encourage open dialogue, and provide more effective support for those affected by substance use disorders. So, instead of seeing my relapse as a defeat, I now understand it as a part of the journey, a reminder of my resilience and the need for ongoing support. This experience has given me the opportunity to reassess my coping strategies and reinforce my commitment to recovery. Each step, even the difficult ones, contributes to my growth and healing.
My story is a poignant reminder of the fragile nature of recovery and the importance of compassion and understanding. My relapse, while painful, is not the end of my journey (thank God). With renewed determination, I sought the help of doctors, counselors, and therapists. I have reconnected with my support group, and have embraced the love of my wonderful family and friends. Once again I navigate the complexities of recovery, one day at a time. My hope is that my resilience and courage will continue to inspire those around me, proving that even in the face of setbacks, hope and healing are always within reach. My journey illustrates that relapse, while disheartening, is a step toward deeper understanding and stronger recovery, highlighting the indomitable human spirit and the capacity for renewal.
And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope. If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.
