6. Consequences to Your Actions
I’ve faced consequences my entire life, but it wasn’t until the consequences of my actions became so severe that I finally became open and willing to the idea of changing my ways. As a child growing up, my parents always punished me when they felt it was needed and I absolutely HATED it. I thought I had the most strictt, unfair parents in the entire world when actually they weren’t that bad (hindsight is 20/20). I would get so angry when there were consequences to my actions and this would become a common theme in my life for years to follow; BOO-HOO POOR ME, THE ENTIRE WORLD IS AGAINST ME, etc.
Today, as a thirty-one-year-old in recovery from substance abuse disorders, I now realize just how important consequences are, when necessary. Consequences are designed to “hurt,” they are not meant to be enjoyable. This is based on the idea that until the consequences of your actions become so severe you will continue to engage in less than desirable behaviors. Otherwise, what’s the point in changing?
Legal consequences were the only consequences I consciously feared while in active addiction. I thought that if I wasn’t in handcuffs or in jail, I was doing just fine. The time came, as it often does, when my luck ran out and once the dust settled, I had to face the music and pay for my actions. I dodged legal consequences for a very, very long time while in active addiction. I actually prided myself on that (INSANITY). By dodging legal consequences for so long, I eventually developed this feeling of invincibility to ANY consequences, which is a very dangerous mindset for an addict.
Consequences are not always immediate. Believe it or not, the worst consequences I ever had to deal with weren’t legal consequences handed down by any judge. Early in my recovery my ninety-five-year-old grandmother’s health began to decline. Around the same time, I had two open court cases from two separate arrests. I eventually entered a drug treatment court program as an alternative to incarceration. There were many terms that I was required to abide by while in the program, otherwise I’d be sent back to jail. One of the terms required that I be granted permission to enter a different state for an extended period by my counselors AND the judge. My situation was very messy at the time, and they weren’t confident in my ability to stay clean (rightfully so, I had already proven that I was a chronic relapser). CONSEQUENTLY, I was not granted permission to leave the state and my grandmother passed away soon after, surrounded by other loving family members. I never got to see my grandmother before she died. To this day I carry a huge amount of guilt with me for not being able to be there. I believe that there was a reason I wasn’t there for her passing and it's because I wasn’t ready to handle that situation (at the time). I never thought that I wouldn’t be able to see my grandmother one last time because not once did I consider these types of consequences while using; I sure wish I did though, because maybe things would have been different and I would have been able to be there.
I strongly urge children, teenagers and young adults (hell, adults too) to always think before you act and always consider the possible consequences of your actions.
And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope. If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.
