46. Journals from Rehab - Part 3
Journaling is an integral component of substance abuse rehabilitation programs for various reasons. It provides a private space for self-reflection, allowing individuals to explore their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, gaining insight into the underlying issues contributing to their substance abuse. The act of journaling serves as a healthy outlet for expressing emotions, helping individuals address underlying emotional issues that may be linked to their addiction. Through the process of writing, individuals can identify triggers, such as specific people or situations, and develop self-awareness crucial for developing effective coping strategies and avoiding relapse. Journaling also facilitates goal setting, helping individuals clarify and track their short-term and long-term goals in the recovery process. It serves as a documentation of progress, allowing individuals to recognize and celebrate personal growth and achievements. Additionally, writing can be a therapeutic tool, offering a cathartic process for releasing emotions, reducing stress, and gaining control over thoughts and feelings.
As I sat in my bedroom, surrounded by the muted colors of the rehab facility, I found solace in the blank pages of my journal. Each entry felt like a huge weight off my back and a huge step towards reclaiming a part of myself that I had lost to the clutches of addiction. Today, these entries are a mosaic of emotions—raw and unfiltered. I confronted the wreckage left in the wake of my substance abuse, tracing the path that led me to this point. The entries document my fears, regrets, and the tentative sparks of hope that flicker within me. I explored the gritty details of my past, exposing vulnerabilities that fueled my addiction. Journaling slowly became a therapeutic release, a testament to the courage it takes to face the demons within. There's a peculiar comfort in the act of journaling. It’s refreshing to acknowledge the patterns that held me captive for well over ten years.
As the days in rehab unfolded, my journal became a roadmap of progress. I celebrated the small victories—days of sobriety, moments of clarity, and the genuine connections formed with others on the same path. It's a testament to resilience, a reminder that recovery is not a linear journey but rather a collection of uphill battles. The journal entries carry the weight of my story, offering a testament to the transformative power of healing. I wish to emphasize to my readers that these journal entries remain entirely unaltered. They were all penned during the immediate aftermath of my substance use and detoxification process. During that time, my thoughts were hazy, and my writing lacked the clarity it possesses today. I'm offering you these journals in their unadulterated form, just as they were originally penned.
“If I’m being completely honest, I don’t want to get clean. I’m here because I don’t want to go to jail. If I didn’t get admitted into rehab, Judge Brockett would have put out a warrant for my arrest and I’d be sitting in a cold jail cell right now. I guess rehab is the better of my two options. I don’t feel like these groups do much of anything for me. It’s my fourth time in this specific rehab over the course of 2-3 years and not much has changed. The only thing that has changed is my criminal record. Doing these arts and crafts, watching these educational videos, and participating in groups sucks. I’m not sure there’s much hope for me when I finally leave here. Nothing has changed the past four times, what will change now? I miss home. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my dog.”
“Today, I was sitting in my bedroom with my roommate in rehab. We were talking and he said something that really hit home for me. We were discussing our pasts. He is quite a bit older than me, forty-two years to be exact, but we have so much in common. He looked me square in the eyes and he said “Kyle, I really hope you get a hold on your addiction because you don’t want to be my age, sitting here in rehab trying to pick up the pieces of your past.” And he’s right. I really don’t want to be pushing seventy years old sitting in rehab. At night we need to be in our bedroom by 9:00 PM. My roommate and I often chat a bit before falling asleep. He’s lost everything. His kids won’t talk to him, he’s broke, he’s got no job, and he’s homeless, but you would never guess that sitting here next to him. I really need to get a hold of my life and figure this out before I wake up in forty years in another rehab facility. Although it seems like I’ve lost everything, I haven’t. I still have my family, I still have my friends, and I have another shot to get this right and turn my life around. I really hope I get it this time.”
“From a very young age, I have had anxiety that was left untreated. That was no one’s fault but my own because I rarely ever spoke about it. As I grew older, I channeled my anxiety into anger. I have an anger problem. There’s no doubt about it. I say cruel things that I know will hurt others. I don’t mean it at the time but it’s like I have no control over it when it’s happening. There are so many different things that I need to address when I leave here. My anger, my anxiety, my depression, and the list goes on. I just want a normal life. I want to wake up, go to work, come home to a family, and be normal. My family and friends are thriving in life and here I am sitting in rehab with nothing to my name. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get better. I’m not sure I was completely willing in the past. I think I am now. I hope I am now. I need to get out of New York because I don’t think I can get clean here. It’s just so hard when everything around me reminds me of using.”
As I conclude my current series of journal entries, I acknowledge that the content may carry a somber tone. Despite the heaviness of these reflections, I believe it is crucial to share them, recognizing their significance in providing a distinctive insight into my thought processes during this particular juncture of my life. Transparency in sharing these moments, even if they lean towards the somber, allows for a genuine and unfiltered glimpse into my experiences, fostering understanding and connection.
And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope. If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.
