12. A Letter From My Sister
In this week’s column I’d like to share an emotional letter my sister wrote to me in March of 2019, when I was, in her words, “at my worst point” (yet) in my addiction. At the time, I had already completed a few rehabs, but I wasn’t ready to truly get sober. I would enter a rehab, complete it and often find myself using within just twenty-four hours of arriving home. Sobriety just did not appeal to me at all. Besides, I had already convinced myself of two things; the first was that my addiction wasn’t all that bad and the second was that my addiction affected one person, and one person only… ME. Family, friends, counselors, therapists, police officers, and judges all repeatedly told me that my addiction was bigger than me and that it affected many others besides myself. Here’s the thing… if I admitted that my using affected other people who I supposedly deeply cared for, then I would’ve been forced into quitting using (which usually doesn’t work out anyway) or risk losing those relationships altogether. I didn’t want either to happen; I think that’s what they mean by “having your cake AND eating it too.” I continued to use heavily for over six months AFTER my sister wrote me this letter, leaving nothing but a path of destruction for everyone but me to deal with. Alcoholics Anonymous describes addiction as being “cunning, baffling and powerful. This emotional letter from my dear sister, Kacie, is hard evidence of just how powerful addiction is. How else can I explain continuing to use despite desperate pleas, much like this one, for me to stop before it was too late?
“Dear Kyle,
I’m really mad at you. It’s hard to verbalize my thoughts because the anger is so overwhelming. You have no idea how much pain you are putting Mom through every day. She worries about you every minute of every day and you are being too selfish to even realize that. So many people want to help you, but you won’t accept the help. You are stealing Mom from me and that is not fair. She has not been her fun, vibrant self for a long time and I blame you. You are stealing the life out of her and draining any happiness from her. The chronic stress you put her through is wearing her down to nothing.
It's so frustrating for me because I don’t understand how you can’t see what you are putting your family through. It makes me feel like I don’t know you. It feels like I lost my big brother… but you’re still here. But then I ask myself – did I ever really know you? Maybe not. But that’s irrelevant because I still love you either way and what you’re doing to yourself is terrifying. I’m convinced that every phone call I get is going to be someone telling me that you died. You have no idea how upsetting that is. My biggest wish I have is to get through to you and show you that I need you in my life. Mom needs you. Dad needs you. Our family in Virginia needs you. My future kids need you. You are my big brother and I want to continue bragging about you for the rest of my life.
I hope you choose to conquer this addiction before it steals you from me. Soon, it’s going to be too late. I can’t do life without you. I love you more than you will ever know, babe.”
If you have a loved one caught in the grips of their addiction, please don’t ever lose hope in them getting clean. My sister never lost hope in me.
And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope. If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.
