13. Cunning, Baffling, & Powerful
My disease of addiction lives in between my ears and boy, it is powerful. I often say my addiction is constantly doing push-ups, always trying to get stronger so that it can find a way, any way, to sabotage my recovery. That’s just the ruthless nature of addiction. In the Alcoholics Anonymous literature, addiction is described as being, “cunning, baffling and powerful.” In last week’s column I shared an emotional letter my sister wrote to me during my addiction to help show just how powerful addiction can be. Let’s discuss how addiction is cunning and baffling this week.
Along with being powerful, the disease of addiction is also extremely cunning. It sits and it waits for the perfect moment to strike; like a lion in the high grass of the Serengeti waiting for its prey (corny, but you get the idea). As soon as my disease senses that I’m in a vulnerable position, it “smells blood” and that’s when it begins to “speak to me.” Now before you start calling me crazy for admitting out loud that my addiction speaks to me… hear me out because this is what I mean - it tries its best to confuse, or trick, my mind into believing things that are not true. My disease will tell me that using drugs wasn’t ever really that big of a problem. My disease tries to convince me that I will be able to use functionally this time around. My disease tells me that my family won’t be hurt if I decide to pick up and use. My disease insists that I can beat the legal system. My disease tells me that people won’t even know that I’m using again. My disease says that I will feel so much better if I just use. My disease shows no mercy and will go to any lengths possible to try and suck me back into the (addict) “lifestyle.” It knows just what to say to me, and just the right time to say it. Even after three years of sobriety my addiction still tries to outsmart and outwit me daily. It’s like this for so many other addicts as well. No matter how far we distance ourselves from our addiction, the disease remains, and it tries everything in its power to hold total control. As time goes on and we continue to remain sober, our disease hopefully doesn’t hold the same power over us that it once did in the earlier years of our addiction. Nonetheless, as addicts we must ALWAYS remain vigilant against our disease, or risk relapse.
Last, but not least, we have the baffling aspect of addiction. Alcohol and drugs alter important areas of the brain that are necessary for healthy social interactions and life - sustaining functions. That’s a scientific fact that has been proven through extensive medical research over the years. So, when a recovering addict with years of sobriety lets their guard down and begins thinking they’ll maybe have just one (drink, pill, drug, etc.) like “normal people,” who don’t suffer from the disease of addiction, it can be extremely baffling – here’s why. Any addict who truly suffers from the disease will NEVER be able to drink or use drugs like “normal people” do. So, when a recovering addict has a relapse, it can be baffling for them, leaving them puzzled as to what even caused it. Often though, the most baffled are those who don’t suffer from the disease and/or those who haven’t had someone close to them go through it. It’s a totally foreign concept to these folks, through no fault of their own. They can’t comprehend how anyone could ever go back to using after hitting rock-bottom and losing everything to their name, aside from their pulse. It leaves them totally baffled.
A wise man once stated that, “addiction is the only disease known to man that tells you, you don’t have a disease.” Addiction is a triple threat and is nothing to toy with. It’s cunning. It’s baffling. It’s powerful.
And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope. If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.
