21. The 12 Steps of Recovery (Steps 1-4)

The 12 steps of recovery have become a prominent framework for overcoming addiction and finding a path to personal growth and fulfillment.  Originally developed by the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) in the 1930s, these steps have since been adapted and embraced by various support groups and programs for a wide range of addictions and compulsive behaviors.  The 12 steps provide a systematic approach to tackling addiction and regaining control of one's life. They offer a roadmap to spiritual, emotional, and psychological healing, focusing on self-reflection, self-acceptance, and the power of community.  While originally designed for individuals struggling with alcoholism, the steps have proven effective for individuals facing diverse challenges such as drug addiction, sex addiction, gambling, overeating, and more.

Each step of the recovery process builds upon the previous one, promoting personal responsibility, accountability, and a massive shift in mindset.  These steps aim to address the underlying issues that fuel addictive behaviors.  In this week’s column, I would like to focus closely on steps one through four.

Step 1: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.” Step One represents a significant turning point for individuals seeking recovery, as it involves accepting the reality of powerlessness over the substance they are addicted to and recognizing the unmanageability of their lives as a result.  It emphasizes the need to let go of denial and face the truth about the destructive impact addiction has had on their physical, mental, and emotional well-being.

Step 2: “We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”  In Step Two, individuals acknowledge that their addiction has made their lives unmanageable, and they realize that their own efforts alone may not be sufficient to overcome their addiction. This step encourages individuals to open their minds to the possibility that there is a force or entity beyond themselves that can provide strength and help in their journey towards recovery.  They begin to explore the concept of a higher power, which can be interpreted in various ways depending on an individual's beliefs or spirituality.  This step encourages individuals to embrace the concept of a higher power, acknowledging that healing and restoration are possible through external guidance and support.  The higher power can be personalized, allowing individuals to find solace and strength in their own personal spiritual beliefs.  This step does not impose any specific religious beliefs; rather, it encourages individuals to find a spiritual path that resonates with them personally.

Step 3: “We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”  In Step 3, individuals in recovery are encouraged to recognize their limitations and surrender their self-will.  They acknowledge that their addiction has caused unmanageability in their lives and accept the need for a power greater than themselves to restore sanity and provide guidance.  This higher power can be interpreted in various ways, depending on an individual's personal beliefs or spiritual understanding.  Surrender is a powerful act of humility and acceptance.  By relinquishing control and placing their trust in a higher power, individuals open themselves up to the possibility of true transformation. Surrendering allows them to let go of old patterns and make room for a new way of life.  By making a conscious decision to turn over their will and lives to this higher power, individuals let go of their attempts to control every aspect of their existence.  They embrace humility, accepting that they cannot overcome addiction on their own.  This surrender allows them to tap into a source of strength and wisdom beyond their own understanding.  Step three is a pivotal moment in the recovery journey, marking a transition from self-reliance to a reliance on something greater.

Step 4: “We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”  During Step 4, individuals are encouraged to identify and acknowledge their character defects, shortcomings, resentments, fears, and any other negative emotions or patterns that may have contributed to their addiction.  The purpose of this step is to gain a deeper understanding of oneself and the underlying causes of addictive behaviors.  To complete Step 4, individuals are typically advised to create a written inventory, listing their observations and reflections.  This inventory can include a thorough examination of personal strengths, weaknesses, past mistakes, and the impact their addiction has had on themselves and others.  The addict conducts an honest self-appraisal, examining past actions, behaviors, and beliefs.  By acknowledging their shortcomings, individuals gain insights into the roots of their addiction or destructive behavior.

While initially developed for alcoholics, the 12 Steps have been widely embraced by other mutual support groups, such as Narcotics Anonymous (NA), Cocaine Anonymous (CA), Sex Anonymous (SA), and Gamblers Anonymous (GA).  Additionally, many addiction treatment programs and therapists integrate the principles of the 12 Steps into their therapeutic approaches, recognizing the effectiveness and profound impact these steps can have on the recovery process.  Each of the 12 Steps serves a specific purpose, building upon one another to facilitate personal growth and recovery.  These steps encourage addicted individuals to examine their behaviors, acknowledge the consequences of their addiction, make amends for past mistakes, develop a spiritual connection (which need not be religious), and support others in their recovery journey.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

20. Support Systems

Long-term recovery is an intricate and transformative journey that requires resilience and determination.  Achieving long-term recovery requires much more than just sheer willpower—it often demands for the foundation of a strong support system.  Support systems may include a wide range of individuals, groups, and resources that provide assistance and encouragement for long-term recovery.  I like to categorize support systems into four main types: personal support, professional support, community support, and emotional support.  Recognizing the significance of support systems in addiction recovery is vital to provide individuals with the tools and resources necessary to overcome their addiction.

Personal support consists of close family members, friends, and loved ones who offer emotional support, understanding, and encouragement.  They play a critical role in the recovery process by providing a sense of belonging, love, and accountability.  Personal support systems provide the essential emotional, social, and practical support necessary for individuals to navigate the ups and downs of their recovery process.  Personal support systems are instrumental in helping individuals navigate the complex terrain of recovery.

In addition to personal support, professional support networks play a significant role in the recovery process.  Professional support consists of healthcare professionals, therapists, counselors, and addiction specialists who possess the knowledge and expertise to guide individuals through their recovery journey.  These professionals offer evidence-based treatments, such as counseling, therapy, and medication-assisted treatment (MAT), tailored to the individual's needs.  Professional support is a structured approach to recovery that equips individuals with the necessary tools, coping strategies, and skills to overcome challenges and maintain long-term sobriety. 

Community support networks can introduce you to a whole new cast of characters who understand what you're going through.  Community support includes groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA).  These groups provide a non-judgmental and supportive environment where individuals can share their experiences, find guidance from peers who have walked a similar path, and learn from their collective wisdom.  Community support also extends to faith-based organizations, recovery centers, and online forums, which offer a sense of community and resources that can aid in the recovery process.

Emotional support, a fundamental aspect of recovery, plays a vital role in helping individuals navigate the complexities of their healing process. Recovery from addiction can be emotionally demanding, and having a strong support system can provide individuals with a safe space to express their feelings and fears.  Loved ones and peers can offer empathy, validation, and encouragement, which helps individuals develop a positive mindset and build resilience in the face of their challenges. Friends, family members, support groups, and mental health professionals can play vital roles in providing this type of emotional support.  Through active and empathetic listening, they help individuals process their feelings, alleviate emotional distress, and build a sense of belonging. 

In conclusion, support systems are an integral component of addiction recovery. Building and maintaining these support systems requires open communication, trust, and a willingness to seek help when needed.  Support systems hold individuals accountable for their actions and decisions, fostering a sense of responsibility. Family members and friends can provide gentle reminders, encouragement, and constructive feedback, helping individuals stay motivated and committed to their recovery goals. They provide emotional support, accountability, education, and practical assistance.  Personal, professional, community-based, and emotional support systems offer unique benefits to individuals seeking recovery from addiction. By fostering a sense of belonging, understanding, and encouragement, these support systems play a crucial role in empowering individuals to overcome addiction and lead fulfilling, sober lives.  As individuals recover from addictions, they discover the power of connection and find solace in knowing that they do not have to face their challenges alone.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

19. The Importance of Forgiveness

At times, recovery can be like trying to assemble a puzzle with missing pieces, while wearing a blindfold and balancing on one leg.  It’s a complex and challenging process that requires individuals to confront their past, heal their wounds, rebuild their lives, and hopefully find inner peace.  Among the many essential elements of recovery, forgiveness holds a profound significance. Forgiveness plays a pivotal role in recovery by facilitating emotional healing, promoting personal growth, and cultivating a healthier and more fulfilling life.

Forgiveness is a powerful tool for emotional healing during the recovery process.  When individuals experience a trauma or an addiction, they often harbor resentment, anger, and bitterness.  These negative emotions can weigh heavily on their mental and emotional well-being.  Holding onto those negative emotions can easily disrupt progress and hinder the healing process.  Through forgiveness, individuals can let go of emotional baggage and find inner peace.  It provides the opportunity to heal emotional wounds, allowing individuals to rebuild their lives on a solid foundation of self-acceptance and compassion. It provides a pathway to emotional healing by granting individuals the opportunity to let go of pain and resentment, thus creating space for more positive emotions such as compassion, empathy, self-acceptance, and self-love.

Forgiveness is also instrumental in promoting personal growth in the recovery journey.  It encourages self-reflection, allowing individuals to gain a deeper understanding of themselves and their experiences.  Individuals are prompted to examine their own contributions to the situation, their reactions, and their patterns of behavior.  It allows individuals to move beyond their pain and transform it into wisdom and resilience.  By forgiving yourself and others, individuals can break free from self-imposed limitations and self-blame.  This provides an opportunity for self-reflection, leading to greater self-awareness and personal development. Forgiveness allows individuals to learn from their experiences, develop empathy, and cultivate self-awareness.  It helps them to embrace their vulnerabilities, acknowledge their mistakes, and use them as stepping stones toward becoming a better version of themselves. 

In the recovery process, forgiveness plays a critical role in restoring and rebuilding relationships. Addiction often strains relationships.  By extending forgiveness, individuals can begin the process of rebuilding trust and repairing relationships.  Forgiveness promotes open communication, empathy, and understanding.  This often allows for healthier and more meaningful connections with others.  The individual begins to let go of resentment and grudges, creating a space for healing.  Restoring relationships not only provides a sense of belonging and support, but also strengthens the overall recovery process by providing a support network. 

Forgiveness is so important in the journey of recovery.  It facilitates emotional healing by letting go of negative emotions, promotes personal growth through self-reflection and resilience, and restores relationships through reconciliation and trust-building.  Embracing forgiveness empowers individuals to move forward, reclaim their lives, and hopefully find inner peace amidst the challenges of recovery.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

18. Letters from Rehab

I’d like to share an emotional letter that my mother wrote me while I was in one of the many rehabs that I attended.  I think it’s extremely important to share these letters with you because it shows a different perspective on addiction.  I always asked my family not to visit me while I was in rehab because I was embarrassed to be there.  The thing is, I had NOTHING to be embarrassed about!  After all, I was in rehab because I was trying to change my life for the better.  My family and friends often wrote me.  I saved almost every single card/note that I received (there are a lot) while I was bouncing from rehab to rehab. I’m so glad I did because I can now use them to help spread awareness on addiction.

“Dear Kyle,

 I miss you, but I’m so happy that you are working on getting your life back.  Sounds Like you are learning a lot there.  Your quality of life will be so much better when you’re living it free of alcohol and illegal drugs.  I truly think that you can do it and have a good life with way less stress – it doesn’t work when the only thing you care about is where your next fix is coming from.  Drugs and alcohol have determined the course of your life thus far.  They have caused you legal, financial, moral, employment problems and mental health issues.

I am so sorry that I didn’t realize that you were in so much pain and dealing with anxiety, stress, anger, etc.  I guess maybe I noticed some things but attributed it to tough teen years (puberty, emotions, growing pains, etc.).  Perhaps your problems and addictions wouldn’t have had the chance to progress as they did.  We’ll never know, but I am truly sorry for that. 

I’m proud of you taking action to get better.  I know it was one of the hardest things you will ever do, but also think it’s one of the most valuable things you could do for yourself.

I miss you terribly, but know you are working hard at finding a healthy way to live.  Your actions from now on will determine your path in life.  I know you can do this.  You have so many people that care about you and will be your support system.  We all love you and are praying and rooting for you.  You have a lot of good qualities, but they disappear when you are using.  Keep working hard – YOU CAN BE SUCCESSFUL.

 Love Mom”

Still think your addiction only affects you?  Well, think again.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

17. The Phenomenon of the Pink Cloud

The "pink cloud" theory is a phenomenon that can occur in early recovery from addiction where the addict may feel a sense of euphoria, exhilaration, and/or gratitude for their newfound sobriety.  This is a positive experience for many, BUT it can also be a double-edged sword that leads to unrealistic expectations and complacency. 

The pink cloud is an idea that, after years of addiction and self-destructive behavior, individuals in recovery experience a profound sense of relief and hope when they first achieve sobriety.  They are suddenly freed from the vicious cycle of addiction and the chaos that often accompanies it. The addict may begin to feel a renewed sense of purpose, clarity and motivation to pursue their goals and dreams.  This is often accompanied by feelings of gratitude as they begin to appreciate the people, opportunities, and experiences that they once took for granted.  The addict has a renewed lease on life… or so it seems. 

The pink cloud experience is often brief.  I’ve heard it jokingly referred to as a “honeymoon period” for someone in recovery.  Well, I hate to break it to you, but honeymoons don’t last forever!  As the initial rush of sobriety begins to wear off, addicts find that they still struggle with a lot of the same underlying issues that once contributed to their addiction in the first place.  Some of these issues may include, but are not limited to anxiety, depression, trauma and/or low self-esteem.  They encounter new challenges and stressors that test their determination and resilience.  When this happens, the pink cloud can suddenly vanish from underneath the addict, leaving them feeling disillusioned, discouraged and vulnerable to relapse. Like my good friend always used to say to me, “I sure as hell hope you have a pink parachute for when that (explicative) pink cloud you’re on pops; because it will eventually pop, Kyle.”

As I stated earlier, the pink cloud can also be a double-edged sword for addicts.  Sometimes their pink cloud experience in early recovery is so intense and all-consuming that it leads them to become overconfident, or even complacent in their recovery.  They believe that they have overcome their addiction once and for all, and that they will never again experience the cravings or temptations that once led them down the path of addiction in the first place.  DO NOT BE FOOLED. These beliefs are deceiving and can be extremely dangerous, as they can lead the addicted individual to let down their guard, ultimately leaving them vulnerable to relapse.   As addicts, we must remember that we are never fully recovered from our disease.  In the Narcotics Anonymous literature, it clearly states, “We suffered from a disease from which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at some point and recovery is then possible.”

So, how can we avoid the pitfalls of the pink cloud phenomenon? Well, it’s all about balance, baby!  It is important for individuals in recovery to acknowledge the challenges and difficulties that lie ahead of them. It’s just as important that they celebrate the progress they have made.  Remember, recovery is a lifelong journey that will have ups AND downs along the way.  It’s important that the addict remain focused on the end game – sustained long-term sobriety from their addiction.

Setting realistic expectations for yourself is helpful when trying to avoid the pink cloud “trap.” Setbacks and relapses are unfortunately very common in recovery, and it is extremely important to use them as opportunities for growth and/or learning.  This can prove to be especially difficult at times (trust me).  Rather than beating themselves up and feeling like a failure, the addict should utilize these experiences to help them identify what triggers their cravings.  They are then able to develop coping strategies that they can use in the future to help them maintain their sobriety.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today. 

16. Complacency

One of the biggest threats to an addict’s sobriety is something called complacency. In recovery, complacency is a state of mind that can lead an addict to become overconfident, or even neglectful, of their sobriety.  Often, the addict stops utilizing a lot of tools they once relied on to help them stay clean and sober.  Essentially, the addict begins to let their guard down, and in recovery that can prove to be extremely dangerous.  This most often happens subconsciously for the addict.  Complacency is one of the greatest warning signs that an addict may be heading toward relapse. 

If I know anything to be one hundred percent true, it’s this… addiction LOVES an addict who begins to let their guard down. Over time as an addict continues to stay clean, there may come a point where they begin to feel as though they have overcome, or defeated, their addiction.  PLEASE DO NOT BE FOOLED BY THESE THOUGHTS. In the Narcotics Anonymous literature, it clearly states, “We suffer from a disease from which there is no known cure.  It can, however, be arrested at some point, and recovery is then possible.”  In other words, we are never cured but instead, we learn how to healthily coexist with our disease. While continuing to stay sober, addicts should constantly be developing new strategies and techniques to help them cope with their addiction. Eventually, the addict may begin to think some of those strategies and techniques are no longer needed in their recovery process.  It’s often a point in an addict’s recovery where they have reached a level of stability and no longer believe they need to use the same tools they once relied on so heavily. This way of thinking is EXTREMELY dangerous for an addict and can lead to a relapse.

There are many things addicts can do to help them avoid becoming complacent in their recovery.  In my opinion, an addict’s continuous attendance at any self-help group is one of the most widely used, and most effective tools that can be utilized to avoid complacency in their recovery journey.  Let me speak in terms of my own recovery for a moment.  At the self-help groups that I choose to attend, it is very common to hear others speak about their personal experiences with addiction.  I believe that routinely hearing other addicts talk about their experiences with addiction helps to keep it fresh in my own head. Often though, it’s the addict in long-term sobriety who most benefits from this “reminder” that although the drugs have changed over time, the results of abusing them are still the same - jails, institutions, and death.

Self-help groups are not for everyone and that’s totally fine!  I know many addicts who do not use these group’s meetings, yet they still stay sober and don’t become complacent in their recovery.  It’s important to remember, what works for you may not work for someone else.  Find what helps you most and continue to use it.  If for some reason your chosen method to avoid complacency seems to be becoming less effective (this can happen in recovery) then try something new that can hopefully take its place.

Having a strong support network has proven to be extremely effective in helping me and countless other addicts to avoid complacency.  As an addict, you should find individuals who will hold you accountable in your own recovery.  Use their wisdom, experience, guidance, and suggestions and apply it where you can to your own life.  Members of your support system can include both addicts and non-addicts alike.   

Community service is something I couldn’t be bothered with before and during my addiction.  I was stuck in a selfish and manipulative mindset where I only did things if I was receiving something in return.  Two years into my recovery I was asked if I wanted to help volunteer for a local mental health non-profit that supports recovery.  I was hesitant, but quickly reminded myself that I needed to step outside my comfort zone and try something new.  I’m so happy I volunteered because I encountered so many intriguing people that day, both addicts and non-addicts.  Simple conversations were had that helped “refresh” my memory of just how bad addiction (still) is.  I need these types of encounters in my recovery because I’m reminded that the drug epidemic is still in full swing and taking lives at an alarming rate.  Some of the people I met that first day volunteering have even become integral members of my support system.  Devoting time to help others struggling with addiction reminds me of where I came from and what would happen if I returned.  Among other things, community service has been so beneficial in helping me avoid complacency while on my recovery journey and I have no thoughts of stopping my volunteer work anytime soon!

It is very important that we always remain vigilant against our disease of addiction, or risk relapse. Complacency can be so harmful to an addict’s recovery because as they begin to let their guard down, they sometimes find that they inadvertently became less vigilant as a direct result.  We avoid complacency by attending self-help groups, giving back to the community, developing a strong support network (AND USING IT) and much more.  Simply put, complacency stagnates our growth as an addict in recovery, which ultimately raises the risk of relapse.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

15. Mental Health Disorders

Mental Health… the big “M-H.”  Unfortunately, it’s been a topic that our society tends to tip-toe around, not acknowledge, or even look down upon due to the negative stigma that is attached to it.  With that being said, I’d like to start by stating that I suffer from mental health disorders as well as substance use disorders (SUDs). In the substance abuse field, they often refer to this as a “dual diagnosis,” or a “co-occurring disorder.”  Today, I am able to admit this with absolutely no shame and no embarrassment.  It wasn’t always like that.  When I was younger, there was even more of a negative stigma surrounding mental health issues and that really deterred me from asking for help from anyone.  I believe there is still a negative stigma attached to the big “M-H” however, I do think that over the past couple of years we have made huge strides in the right direction.  There is still a lot of work to be done before the stigma is broken.

I entered rehab for the first time back in February of 2018.  I was twenty-seven-years-old, and I had not been officially diagnosed with any mental illnesses upon entry.  After a brutal, week-long detox from alcohol and Benzodiazepines (Benzos), I was finally transferred to the rehab’s psychiatrist for my mental health assessment before being able to officially begin the program (this is standard protocol in most rehabs that I’ve attended).  I was pretty beat up by my addiction at this point; nearly fifteen years of daily drug (ab)use will do this to you.  Who would’ve guessed, right?  I don’t want to bore you with all the details about my psychiatric assessment so let’s fast forward to my diagnoses. 

The rehab psychiatrist determined that I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), substance use disorders (SUD) and generalized anxiety.  The psychiatrist started me on a regimen of non-narcotic medications that have had to be adjusted many times since.  Unfortunately, there is no single pill that can be taken to help relieve the symptoms of each disorder that I suffer from.  Furthermore, not everyone’s body reacts the same to certain medications.  Trying to find the most effective regimen can seem like a hopeless crapshoot at times.  I was TOTALLY against taking ANY medication due to the negative stigma that revolves around them (I’ll save that for another day).  After all, I was trying to get off the medications that I had been prescribing to myself!  It took years before doctors finally found an effective regimen of medications that I still use to this very day.  I feel obligated to remind you that by me continuing to abuse drugs while doctors were prescribing me new medications, this process was dragged out much longer than it had to be.

In addition to the use of non-narcotic medications there are also many different strategies and techniques that I have learned to use in order to help me cope with my mental health disorders.  Through a trial-and-error process I have found what works best for ME and MY recovery.  Not all medications work the same for everyone and not all techniques and strategies work for everyone either.  It’s about finding what works best for you.  I have found that practicing gratitude, working out in the gym, running trails in the woods, spending time with my family, reading new books, and watching movies are just some of the activities that I use daily to help me effectively manage the symptoms of my mental health disorders.  I take suggestions from others, both addicts and non-addicts, and I see if they work for me.  If they do work for me, great!  If not, it’s no big deal; we go back to the drawing board and come up with a new strategy, or technique, that we hope will be helpful when dealing with our mental health disorders.  This can prove to be a long, frustrating process but I promise you it’s worth it.

If you think you may suffer from a mental health disorder, a substance use disorder or a combination of both like I do, just know that there are so many different routes currently available to help you cope.  You don’t have to battle either on your own.  Believe it or not, there are genuine people that are qualified and willing to help.  I strongly suggest that you keep an open mind when exploring your options.  If I wasn’t initially so closeminded to therapy, counseling and/or the use of certain non-narcotic medications I may not have had to experience as much pain and struggle as I did, both before and during my addiction.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.     

14. One Day at a Time

Whether you consider yourself to be in recovery from an addiction (you’re in recovery when you say you are), or not, odds are that you have heard the phrase “one day at a time“ used at some point in your life.  One Day at a Time (ODAAT) is a mindset, or skill (in my opinion), that is used to encourage people to focus on the present moment, rather than regret the past or worry about the future.  It’s a very effective coping mechanism that is used by many addicts, myself included.  I personally believe that ODAAT can be applied to and used in anyone’s life, whether they are affected by addiction, or not. For the purposes of this column, I’m going to focus on One Day at a Time being used by an individual with an addiction. 

ODAAT is a mindset that has proven to be especially helpful for those who struggle with an addiction.  Often when an addict first begins their recovery journey, the thought of staying sober for the rest of their life can seem like an enormous task, and in many ways it is.  The recovery process can be rigorous, tedious at times and it requires a lot of work on behalf of the addict.  This can be extremely overwhelming. I sure thought it was when I was first attempting to get clean! ODAAT can be used to help alleviate some of the pressure that comes along with thoughts of having to stay clean for the rest of our life.  The mindset requires that an addict try to focus more on the present day (hour, minute, second, etc.) with the hope that those feelings replace any feelings of worrying about the future or regretting the past.  The addict should try to recognize, acknowledge and focus on any progress they’ve made that day.  Consistent use of ODAAT should ultimately help the addict with being able to live in the present moment.  My grandmother once told me, “Worrying is like a rocking chair – it gives you something to do but doesn’t get you anywhere,” and it all makes perfect sense to me now. 

Planning for the future is a vital aspect to life and I believe it is necessary if you want to be successful, so, please don’t mistake this as me telling you not to plan (for the future) at all; that is certainly not what I mean.  When we let ourselves become completely overwhelmed with planning for the future it becomes unhealthy and may prove to be detrimental to our recovery.   The same can be said with regretting the past.  It’s all about balance, baby!  We must try to balance plans for the future and regrets from the past (as evenly as possible) with living in the present moment. If we are not able to find that healthy balance, our life may seem to be spinning out of control.  I don’t know about you, but whenever I feel like life is spinning out of my control, I become extremely anxious, and it often creates intense cravings to use alcohol and drugs. Historically speaking, intense cravings to use alcohol and drugs have left me most vulnerable to relapse.  If addicts can effectively find a healthy balance, they may be able to take back control of their lives and not find themselves constantly consumed by worry and stress.

Let’s face it though, life can be extremely stressful and that often causes feelings of anxiety.  The addict must learn to deal with this anxiety in a healthy manner, or risk relapse.  For most of my life I have struggled dealing with ANY amount of stress.  I thought using alcohol and drugs was the ONLY way I could possibly cope with (any) stress.  Being able to adapt and successfully use the ODAAT mindset took me time and a lot of practice, but it eventually became something like second nature to me.  It’s something that I now use day in and day out of my recovery.  As I stated earlier, the ODAAT mindset can be utilized by EVERYBODY, not just addicts alone.  So, like the old saying goes, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift.  That is why we call it the present.”  Let’s try to live more in the moment and take life ODAAT.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

13. Cunning, Baffling, & Powerful

My disease of addiction lives in between my ears and boy, it is powerful.  I often say my addiction is constantly doing push-ups, always trying to get stronger so that it can find a way, any way, to sabotage my recovery.  That’s just the ruthless nature of addiction.  In the Alcoholics Anonymous literature, addiction is described as being, “cunning, baffling and powerful.”  In last week’s column I shared an emotional letter my sister wrote to me during my addiction to help show just how powerful addiction can be. Let’s discuss how addiction is cunning and baffling this week.

Along with being powerful, the disease of addiction is also extremely cunning. It sits and it waits for the perfect moment to strike; like a lion in the high grass of the Serengeti waiting for its prey (corny, but you get the idea).  As soon as my disease senses that I’m in a vulnerable position, it “smells blood” and that’s when it begins to “speak to me.”  Now before you start calling me crazy for admitting out loud that my addiction speaks to me… hear me out because this is what I mean - it tries its best to confuse, or trick, my mind into believing things that are not true.  My disease will tell me that using drugs wasn’t ever really that big of a problem.  My disease tries to convince me that I will be able to use functionally this time around.  My disease tells me that my family won’t be hurt if I decide to pick up and use.  My disease insists that I can beat the legal system.  My disease tells me that people won’t even know that I’m using again.  My disease says that I will feel so much better if I just use. My disease shows no mercy and will go to any lengths possible to try and suck me back into the (addict) “lifestyle.”  It knows just what to say to me, and just the right time to say it.  Even after three years of sobriety my addiction still tries to outsmart and outwit me daily.  It’s like this for so many other addicts as well.  No matter how far we distance ourselves from our addiction, the disease remains, and it tries everything in its power to hold total control.  As time goes on and we continue to remain sober, our disease hopefully doesn’t hold the same power over us that it once did in the earlier years of our addiction.  Nonetheless, as addicts we must ALWAYS remain vigilant against our disease, or risk relapse.

Last, but not least, we have the baffling aspect of addiction.  Alcohol and drugs alter important areas of the brain that are necessary for healthy social interactions and life - sustaining functions.  That’s a scientific fact that has been proven through extensive medical research over the years.  So, when a recovering addict with years of sobriety lets their guard down and begins thinking they’ll maybe have just one (drink, pill, drug, etc.) like “normal people,” who don’t suffer from the disease of addiction, it can be extremely baffling – here’s why.  Any addict who truly suffers from the disease will NEVER be able to drink or use drugs like “normal people” do.  So, when a recovering addict has a relapse, it can be baffling for them, leaving them puzzled as to what even caused it.  Often though, the most baffled are those who don’t suffer from the disease and/or those who haven’t had someone close to them go through it.  It’s a totally foreign concept to these folks, through no fault of their own. They can’t comprehend how anyone could ever go back to using after hitting rock-bottom and losing everything to their name, aside from their pulse.  It leaves them totally baffled.

A wise man once stated that, “addiction is the only disease known to man that tells you, you don’t have a disease.” Addiction is a triple threat and is nothing to toy with.  It’s cunning. It’s baffling. It’s powerful.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

12. A Letter From My Sister

In this week’s column I’d like to share an emotional letter my sister wrote to me in March of 2019, when I was, in her words, “at my worst point” (yet) in my addiction.  At the time, I had already completed a few rehabs, but I wasn’t ready to truly get sober.  I would enter a rehab, complete it and often find myself using within just twenty-four hours of arriving home.  Sobriety just did not appeal to me at all.  Besides, I had already convinced myself of two things; the first was that my addiction wasn’t all that bad and the second was that my addiction affected one person, and one person only… ME.  Family, friends, counselors, therapists, police officers, and judges all repeatedly told me that my addiction was bigger than me and that it affected many others besides myself.  Here’s the thing… if I admitted that my using affected other people who I supposedly deeply cared for, then I would’ve been forced into quitting using (which usually doesn’t work out anyway) or risk losing those relationships altogether.  I didn’t want either to happen; I think that’s what they mean by “having your cake AND eating it too.”  I continued to use heavily for over six months AFTER my sister wrote me this letter, leaving nothing but a path of destruction for everyone but me to deal with. Alcoholics Anonymous describes addiction as being “cunning, baffling and powerful.  This emotional letter from my dear sister, Kacie, is hard evidence of just how powerful addiction is. How else can I explain continuing to use despite desperate pleas, much like this one, for me to stop before it was too late? 

“Dear Kyle, 

I’m really mad at you. It’s hard to verbalize my thoughts because the anger is so overwhelming.  You have no idea how much pain you are putting Mom through every day.  She worries about you every minute of every day and you are being too selfish to even realize that.  So many people want to help you, but you won’t accept the help.  You are stealing Mom from me and that is not fair.  She has not been her fun, vibrant self for a long time and I blame you.  You are stealing the life out of her and draining any happiness from her.  The chronic stress you put her through is wearing her down to nothing. 

It's so frustrating for me because I don’t understand how you can’t see what you are putting your family through.  It makes me feel like I don’t know you.  It feels like I lost my big brother… but you’re still here.  But then I ask myself – did I ever really know you?  Maybe not. But that’s irrelevant because I still love you either way and what you’re doing to yourself is terrifying.  I’m convinced that every phone call I get is going to be someone telling me that you died.  You have no idea how upsetting that is. My biggest wish I have is to get through to you and show you that I need you in my life.  Mom needs you.  Dad needs you.  Our family in Virginia needs you.  My future kids need you.  You are my big brother and I want to continue bragging about you for the rest of my life.

I hope you choose to conquer this addiction before it steals you from me.  Soon, it’s going to be too late.  I can’t do life without you.  I love you more than you will ever know, babe.”

If you have a loved one caught in the grips of their addiction, please don’t ever lose hope in them getting clean.  My sister never lost hope in me.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

11. Easter 2019

Four years ago, I spent Easter in a cold cell while detoxing cold turkey from alcohol and Benzodiazepines in Orange County Jail.  Turns out that the Easter Bunny doesn’t make a pit-stop at the local jail (at least not mine) to deliver candy and hide eggs for the prisoners.  I’d been arrested many times before, but this time I was facing much more serious charges than in the past - ones that, if convicted, carry hefty prison sentences.

One week prior to Easter of 2019, I was arrested by a local police agency after pulling into a public parking lot and recklessly clipping a parked car.  I was so messed up from eating Xanax pills and drinking beers earlier that day that I didn’t even realize I had hit anything at all.  I parked, locked up my car and went into the bar across the street to throw back a few more cold ones and keep my “buzz” going.  A short while later I looked outside and happened to see police lights flashing in the parking lot that I had parked in.  To this day, I still don’t know what I was thinking when I stormed out of that bar and up to those police officers, brazingly asking what they were doing near my car knowing damn well what I had stashed away inside.  If this isn’t proof that drugs make you do crazy things, then I don’t know what is.  The officers told me I was caught on camera hitting a parked car.  Next, they asked if I had any weapons or drugs on me and it was at that very moment that I realized the jig was up, and I was done for.  I told them that I did have “some” pills in my car that could be found in my driver side door panel and the center console.  Officers began searching my car, ripping through my belongings until they finally found a sandwich bag full of 520 Xanax pills, right where I had stashed them.  They arrested me on the spot and charged me with felony intent to distribute a controlled substance, felony possession of a controlled substance, several drug possession misdemeanors, misdemeanor driving under the influence, and tons of driving violations. 

I woke up out of my blackout in Orange County Jail nearly two days later with absolutely no recollection of what I had been arrested for.  Mixing alcohol and Benzodiazepines (Benzos) is extremely dangerous, often resulting in “blackouts.”  I remember waking up and reading the word “INMATE” written on the leg of my jail jumpsuit, and the feeling of my heart sinking into my stomach that immediately followed.

I spent the entire week locked alone in my cell, for over twenty-three hours a day in the medical unit.  I was placed there for a minimum of seven days which is protocol for an inmate withdrawing from alcohol AND Benzos.  They USUALLY let me out of my cell for thirty minutes daily to shower and make a phone call.  There were days when the COs were so busy dealing with other prisoners in the dorm that my shower and phone call were overlooked.  My cell consisted of a metal cot, a toilet with a sink connected on top and a broken clock/speaker on one of the walls.  My cell door had a small, sliver of window that looked out into the common area of the dorm where other prisoners passed time watching TV, eating meals, working out, and playing card games.  I was only allowed to have two white T-shirts, two pairs of boxers, two pairs of socks and one pair of “jail slides” (a slip-on shoe) in my cell at any given time. I wasn’t allowed ANY books or magazines the entire week.  Time seems to slow down to almost a complete halt when you’re withdrawing from alcohol and drugs while locked up in jail with absolutely nothing to do to pass it by. I found myself so bored some days that I resorted to counting the small holes in each concrete block of my jail cell’s walls.  I was grasping at straws; doing anything to try and pass time.

Easter arrived a week later, and I was still locked up.  There would be no annual Easter ham dinner with my family that night.  Instead, I found myself eating bread that I sprinkled a packet of sugar on.  It was all I could manage to keep down as a result of withdrawals paired with how nasty the food looked AND smelled.  I’ll never forget the stench of some of those meals; it’s as if the smell was burned into my nostrils! Although these memories from addiction are unpleasant, they help me remain vigilant against my disease of addiction.  Someone once told me that if I forget where I came from, I’m bound to end up back there; and I most definitely don’t want that.  Today, I am over three years sober from alcohol and drugs AND I get to spend Easter with my family again.  Life just keeps getting better and better for me and I refuse to screw it up by using alcohol and drugs again.

I hope everyone had a safe and relaxing holiday.  Until next week, friends!

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

10. The Void Left When You Stop Using

When an addict or alcoholic stops using, they are often left with a huge void to fill.  They feel as if there is a big hole, or gap, in their life that their substance abuse used to fill. They suddenly find themselves with an abundance of downtime, causing boredom and this can be SO dangerous for an addict because it allows their mind to really wander, not staying focused on their recovery.  Maintaining recovery requires that an addict learn how to fill this void with positive things such as hobbies, careers, relationships etc.  If an addict is not able to find new, healthier and more productive ways to fill their void, they are ultimately more at risk to relapse.   

I believe that filling the void is one of the first things an addict must consciously work on while adjusting to a life in sobriety.  I struggled with this for a very, very long time and as a result, I was a chronic relapser, constantly entering rehabs but never leaving them with any true change in my toxic behaviors.  When I finally stopped using, I suddenly found myself with so much downtime on my hands.  I had gotten so used to passing my time by drinking my face off in my favorite dive bar until I finally went home to eat a handful of Xanax so that I could “knockout” comfortably for the night; just to wake up and do it all over again.  I was twenty nine years old when I finally got clean this time around.  It was totally embarrassing to admit that I couldn’t manage downtime at that age.  The truth of the matter is that I hadn’t managed downtime without the use of drugs in well over fifteen years.  Downtime isn’t always something that we consciously think about while navigating the madness of everyday life; but when you are put in a situation where you are forced to manage an overabundance of downtime, it can prove to be extremely difficult… trust me! 

When I finally got clean this time, I had absolutely no idea how to pass time without the use of alcohol and drugs.  I didn’t have any hobbies outside of using.  I didn’t have any career aspirations aside from dealing drugs.  I found that alI I really wanted to do was go back to my old way of life, using alcohol and drugs, but I knew deep down that I needed to do something different. I began asking other addicts who have a substantial amount of clean time what they suggest I do to pass downtime now that I was no longer using.  The most common answer I received was a very simple one.  It was to find a hobby.  It didn’t matter if it was a new hobby, or a lost hobby rediscovered.  I decided to have a go at painting, and in my opinion, I absolutely sucked at it! What I discovered when I was painting was that my mind would slow to almost a complete stop.  It was the first time in a long time where I was able to truly shut my mind off, without the use of any illicit substances.  I would look up from painting after what felt like a half of an hour only to find that it had been three hours!  Running and working out in the gym had the same effect.  Not only did they help pass time, but they also really helped with my overall mental health.  When someone works out, endorphins are released helping to improve their mood.  Endorphins have been scientifically proven to ease depression symptoms and help alleviate anxiety and stress.  To this very day, I still work out and run almost daily.  When I’m not able to, I find that I become very moody, and I feel as though something is missing from my day.

My life in addiction was chaotic, to say the least.  So, when I finally left that life behind, I found myself exceptionally bored with a lot of time on my hands. I just couldn’t quite figure out how to effectively manage downtime without the use of alcohol and drugs. I’m so grateful for the suggestions I was given on how to pass time in my early recovery. Without them, I’m not sure I’d be sober today.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope. If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today. 

9. Your Past Follows You

If you have young children, early teens and/or young adults, I would HIGHLY suggest that when you finish reading this week’s column, you pass it on for them to read.  For any new readers, I’m an addict/alcoholic in recovery for just over three years now.  I was ripping and roaring from the young age of thirteen years old until I was twenty-seven years old.  I’ve had more arrests and more legal cases against me than most people my age, almost all a direct result of my addiction.  Please do not mistake this for bragging or boasting; it’s the exact opposite.  I’m just trying to help someone from making the same poor decisions that I made while caught in the grips of addiction.

Earlier this week I traveled to Albany to take a civil service exam and be fingerprinted for a job position I have been interested in.  This interview process wasn’t like any other that I’ve participated in before; it was much more rigorous and in depth than what I was used to.  I was fully aware of that going into it.  I was required to disclose most EVERYTHING from my past; ALL my arrests (as a juvenile AND an adult), all the drugs I’ve tried, who I hang around with, etc.  I showed up feeling so well prepared and confident in my interviewing abilities.  I had all my documents filled out thoroughly; I made sure that I dotted all my Is and crossed all my Ts.  I provided all the court dispositions (an official court document affixed with the Court Seal that says what happened in a criminal case) that they required, for each arrest I have EVER had.  Mind you, my arrests date all the way back to 2007, and there were many of them. This task alone proved to be especially time consuming and extremely frustrating.  I have no one else to blame for this but myself, and I know that. The interviewers went through my past criminal history with a fine-tooth comb, asking for what seemed like every single detail of each case.  They were bringing up things they had discovered about my past that even I had forgotten about!

If you take anything from this week’s column; let it be this…  YOUR PAST FOLLOWS YOU EVERYWHERE YOU GO. This hiring agency required that I disclose ALL court dispositions for all previous legal cases of mine.  Now, most of my past legal cases have either been sealed or even expunged from my record because I abided by the terms I was ordered to when sentenced in court (drug treatment court, community service, etc.).   I am thirty-one years old today and I found myself having to answer for crimes that I committed as far back as the age of thirteen years old.  For my friends who struggle with math as I do; I was answering for crimes I committed over eighteen years ago.  Do not be fooled into thinking that just because you commit a crime as a juvenile that it always goes away when you turn eighteen years old and are legally recognized as an adult.  Sure, the case may be sealed where only certain governmental agencies, such as law enforcement, the courts, or the military can access the conviction, but it NEVER completely goes away unless it is expunged from your record, meaning that the conviction is COMPLETELY erased.  It’s like posting something on the internet.  Once it’s posted on there, it can’t be erased; it’s there forever.  As an adolescent my mother ALWAYS insisted that I be very cautious with my behavior because the consequences may have long-lasting effects on my life.  Looking back, I now realize that was PHENOMENAL advice.  As I did with most things she told me, I brushed it off and didn’t think much about it.  The advice went in one ear and right out the other - just as quickly as it came in.  Looking back, I really wish I listened to her; it would have saved me a whole lot of trouble.

Most times I was arrested, the case would end in an ACD (adjournment in contemplation of dismissal) which provides for a full dismissal of the charges in the interest of justice following a period of time, usually six months to a year, as long as the defendant does not get rearrested during the adjourned period.  I was under the impression that those cases of mine, both juvenile and adult, that ended in an ACD, were done with and long forgotten. I guess they are technically done with, but they sure WERE NOT forgotten.  Our pasts follow us everywhere that we go and there certainly is going to come a time, if not many, in one’s life where they will have to answer for past actions, no matter how big or how small they may be deemed to be.  For my younger readers… please try and keep that in mind each time you decide you want to bend the rules, test the waters or worse, break the law.  Don’t let one poor decision from your childhood ruin your future.  Believe me… it’s just not worth it!  Trust me on this one.  It’s difficult enough to find a career that you want to pursue.  Past legal trouble will only make the process that much more difficult.  Think twice before you act and ALWAYS consider the consequences of your actions because ultimately, your past follows you everywhere you go.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

8. Gratitude

Gratitude is a phenomenon defined by Webster’s Dictionary as, “the quality of being thankful.”  The American Psychological Association (APA) further defines the phenomenon of gratitude as, “a sense of happiness and thankfulness in response to a fortunate happenstance or tangible gift.”  One can experience gratitude for someone or something at a certain moment in time or one may experience gratitude more long-term as a positive character trait.  Gratitude can be shown for both good AND bad things.  I believe that gratitude is an acquired strength that can be enhanced with awareness and continued practice.

When I hear the word gratitude, the first couple of things that initially come to mind are all positives; family, friends, health, etc.  Very rarely has my first thought ever been something negative.  Don’t be fooled though!  You can have gratitude for negative things, as well as positive things.  What it comes down to is finding the positives, no matter how big or how small, within the negatives.  Here’s an example; I am grateful for the hard times I experienced during active addiction because I learned some very valuable life lessons that I don’t believe I would have learned any other way.  Hitting my rock-bottom was the most difficult day of my entire life, but I am extremely grateful for hitting it because it marked the beginning of my recovery journey, ultimately changing my life for the better.  I firmly believe that if you look hard enough at almost anything, you can almost always find something good within it.  Don’t get me wrong; there are a few things that are just plain evil and there’s just no getting around them; disregard those for now.  In addiction it can be extremely difficult to find the positive in things when everything around you seems so bleak, but if you continue to consistently practice gratitude over time it often becomes easier.  As stated earlier, gratitude is an acquired strength that can be enhanced with awareness and continued practice.

I believe that an extremely important aspect of gratitude is the ability to find new perspectives on certain things.  In active addiction I was grateful for nothing other than drugs and the money needed to cop more.  To be honest, I can’t remember having gratitude for much of anything even BEFORE my active addiction took full control of my life.  I write this week’s column as a recovering addict with IMMENSE gratitude for so much in my life today; the good AND the bad.   You see, something happens to you when you stare death square in the eyes, and still make it back to tell your side of the story.  Plain and simple, rock-bottom changes people; I can attest to that.  I have so much to be grateful for and I know that today. If I choose to start using alcohol and drugs ever again, all bets are off.  Anything that I was grateful for before I picked up and used suddenly won’t matter much at all anymore.  My family relationships will no longer hold much importance.  My career will no longer be a priority of mine.  Something as simple as my personal hygiene will even lose its significance if I decide to use alcohol and drugs again.  I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea.   

If you’re familiar with my story, you know that I’ve done a lot of dirt and seen a lot of dirt get done as a direct result of my addiction.  Please do not mistake this for bragging because I am in no way bragging; I’m just telling my story like it is.  I watched myself and other addicts do WHATEVER was needed to score that next drink or drug.  It didn’t matter what had to be done, so long as we got our drugs.  Today, my life is so much simpler and boy, oh boy, am I grateful for that!  I make sure that I try to practice gratitude daily, in all sorts of different ways (prayer, gratitude lists, service, etc.).  To be honest, it’s not always easy to do.  If something less than desirable occurs in my daily life now, I pause and try to think back to how I felt during one of my worst days using alcohol and drugs.  By doing so, it usually (keyword USUALLY) helps me realize that whatever I am currently going through, or dealing with in my sobriety is no comparison to anything that I ever experienced in active addiction.  This is the very reason I make sure to never forget the way I was living in my active addiction; I know from experience just how quickly I can end up back in that position if I choose to pick up and use.  I’m grateful that I don’t have to live that animalistic way of life any longer; so long as I continue to stay sober.

Did I mention that I’m truly grateful to be sober today?!?!

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

7. The Gifts of Sobriety

Addiction took a lot from me, and it took a lot out of me.  I was robbed of very simple things that I often overlooked or forgot about during my active addiction.  Sobriety, on the other hand, has granted me many of these gifts back (and more), but not without me putting in some good, honest work to change myself. 

I have been clean for three years, two months and some change.  EVERY SINGLE DAY THAT I WAKE UP CLEAN AND SOBER IS A GIFT.  Let me say that again for you… EVERY SINGLE DAY THAT I WAKE UP CLEAN AND SOBER IS A GIFT.  I cannot stress that enough.  It is truly a miracle for any addict to be able to go twenty-four hours without needing to use a substance.  I often joke that the world had to stop turning and the stars had to align perfectly for me to have a fair shot at recovery (a little bit dramatic, but you get the point).  I’m grateful for EVERYTHING that sobriety has gifted me, but none more so than my family, my newfound purpose in life and a “finely tuned moral compass.” 

At some point, my family realized that I was the only one who could make the changes necessary to work towards sobriety.  I was impossible to talk to or interact with.  They became so frustrated and fed up with me, and my poor behavior during my active addiction that they couldn’t watch me sit around and slowly kill myself with alcohol and drugs any longer.  In order to protect themselves, they pulled away from me.   If I had been in their position, I believe that I would have done the same thing.  I barely even noticed they had retreated because my brain and my mind were so clouded from the alcohol and drugs.  Today I can proudly say that I have my family back in my life.  Family has become one of the most important things in my life again.  I never lost their love, that remained constant, and I know that to be true today.  What I lost was their respect, their trust and their confidence in my ability to stay sober.  This wasn’t an immediate gift that was granted as soon as I finally stopped using alcohol and drugs. I had to put some work in on my end to prove that I was worthy of their trust and respect again.  Today my family members are the biggest cheerleaders of my recovery and I’m truly grateful for them.  Only sobriety could have granted this gift back to me. 

Addiction sucked all the purpose out of my life.  Whether it was family, friends, hobbies, careers, etc. - all nowhere to be found when the alcohol and drugs took full control of my life.  My only purpose in active addiction was to get that next high; no matter what, no matter how.  That was it.  That’s no way for anyone to live; completely purposeless.  This too wasn’t immediately gifted to me when I finally put the alcohol and drugs down.  I had to put some effort in on my end to find a purpose - MY purpose, in life again.  Today I can report that I fully believe I have found a purpose in my life again.  My newfound purpose is to simply try to help others avoid making the same poor decisions that I made.  In active addiction my purpose in life is meaningless.  Just a constant rat race to get that next fix.  Sobriety has gifted me a newfound purpose in life, and for that I am eternally grateful.

While in active addiction, all bets were off.  I would do WHATEVER I needed to do in order to score money and drugs.  I didn’t care what others thought about my actions while I was caught in the grips of addiction.  Plain and simple; I sold pills for years to support my massive Xanax habit.  I didn’t consider what was in the pills that I so recklessly sold to others.  If it lined my pockets, I was happy.  I never once thought about the people I was selling drugs to or how I might be negatively affecting their life by doing so.  I only ever did favors for others as a way of getting something I wanted in return.  I always had an ulterior motive.  Today, as an addict in recovery, it’s very simple; I just do the next right thing in life.  Whether it be something as small as holding a door for someone or something bigger like returning a lost wallet with money in it, I do these things because it’s simply the right thing to do.  Addiction stole the morals that were instilled in me from a young age and if I choose to pick up and use alcohol and drugs again, you can bet your bottom dollar that my morals are one of the first things to go out the window.  I’m truly grateful for sobriety and how it has allowed me to establish morals in my life again.

As I stated earlier, every single day that I wake up clean and sober is a gift.  Addiction robbed me of so much.  I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, and I sincerely mean it when I say that.  I’m very grateful for my sobriety.  Over the past three years it has graciously gifted me back things that I didn’t even realize addiction had snatched from me. 

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

6. Consequences to Your Actions

I’ve faced consequences my entire life, but it wasn’t until the consequences of my actions became so severe that I finally became open and willing to the idea of changing my ways. As a child growing up, my parents always punished me when they felt it was needed and I absolutely HATED it.  I thought I had the most strictt, unfair parents in the entire world when actually they weren’t that bad (hindsight is 20/20).  I would get so angry when there were consequences to my actions and this would become a common theme in my life for years to follow; BOO-HOO POOR ME, THE ENTIRE WORLD IS AGAINST ME, etc. 

Today, as a thirty-one-year-old in recovery from substance abuse disorders, I now realize just how important consequences are, when necessary.  Consequences are designed to “hurt,” they are not meant to be enjoyable.  This is based on the idea that until the consequences of your actions become so severe you will continue to engage in less than desirable behaviors.  Otherwise, what’s the point in changing?

Legal consequences were the only consequences I consciously feared while in active addiction.  I thought that if I wasn’t in handcuffs or in jail, I was doing just fine.  The time came, as it often does, when my luck ran out and once the dust settled, I had to face the music and pay for my actions.  I dodged legal consequences for a very, very long time while in active addiction.  I actually prided myself on that (INSANITY).  By dodging legal consequences for so long, I eventually developed this feeling of invincibility to ANY consequences, which is a very dangerous mindset for an addict.

Consequences are not always immediate.  Believe it or not, the worst consequences I ever had to deal with weren’t legal consequences handed down by any judge.  Early in my recovery my ninety-five-year-old grandmother’s health began to decline.  Around the same time, I had two open court cases from two separate arrests. I eventually entered a drug treatment court program as an alternative to incarceration.  There were many terms that I was required to abide by while in the program, otherwise I’d be sent back to jail.   One of the terms required that I be granted permission to enter a different state for an extended period by my counselors AND the judge.  My situation was very messy at the time, and they weren’t confident in my ability to stay clean (rightfully so, I had already proven that I was a chronic relapser).  CONSEQUENTLY, I was not granted permission to leave the state and my grandmother passed away soon after, surrounded by other loving family members.  I never got to see my grandmother before she died.  To this day I carry a huge amount of guilt with me for not being able to be there.  I believe that there was a reason I wasn’t there for her passing and it's because I wasn’t ready to handle that situation (at the time).  I never thought that I wouldn’t be able to see my grandmother one last time because not once did I consider these types of consequences while using; I sure wish I did though, because maybe things would have been different and I would have been able to be there.

I strongly urge children, teenagers and young adults (hell, adults too) to always think before you act and always consider the possible consequences of your actions.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

5. Cravings & Triggers

Let's talk about cravings and what may trigger them this week, shall we?!

A craving is a desire to use alcohol and/or drugs and can be experienced as thoughts/ memories, and/or physical sensations (sweaty palms, pounding heart, upset stomach, etc.). The intensity of cravings varies; they can be extremely mild, extremely strong, or anywhere in between.  An average craving only lasts for about fifteen/twenty minutes so if you don’t act on it, it will eventually pass!  I like to think of cravings as ocean waves because of the way they come and go, some being stronger than others.

A trigger is something, anything that causes a craving.  Anything associated with drug use or addiction can potentially be a trigger for an addict.  Triggers are external, internal, and situational.  External triggers consist of any people, places or things that may cause cravings.  Internal triggers are emotions, feelings and/or thoughts/memories that may cause cravings to use alcohol and/or drugs. Finally, situational triggers are social situations that may cause cravings for the addict. Literally anything an addict may encounter in their daily life can be a potential trigger.  If they are not successful at identifying what their own triggers are, they are ultimately at a much greater risk to relapse.

External triggers consist of people, places and/or things that cause cravings to use alcohol and/or drugs.  You’ll often hear recovering addicts that have a substantial amount of clean time under their belt suggest to addicts in early recovery that they avoid the people they used with, the places where they used and the things they used or used with.  Now it’s much easier said than done, but the idea behind it is valid.  I had many external triggers as I was first beginning my recovery journey.  At first, gas stations, where I purchased most of my alcohol during my addiction, were a HUGE trigger for me so I had to avoid going into them for well over a year.  I would either pay at the pump or avoid the gas station all together.  Until I felt comfortable enough that I could manage those cravings that were triggered from me entering a gas station, I simply stayed away.

Internal triggers are emotions, feelings and/or thoughts/memories that cause cravings to use alcohol and/or drugs.  These types of triggers can be more difficult to identify being that they aren’t visible, as they occur within the addict.  Anger has always been one of my main internal triggers.  For many years in active addiction, I would simply use drugs to “cope” with my feelings of anger.  Today as feelings of anger present themselves in my life, I am much better prepared to deal with them, soberly!

Finally, we have situational triggers.  These are just what they sound like; uncomfortable/unwelcomed situations or events that cause cravings to use alcohol and/or drugs.  To this very day, someone close to me passing away causes extremely strong cravings to use.  For the longest time I thought using drugs was the only possible way to deal with the death of friends and/or loved ones.

As an addict, I hate feeling uncomfortable.  That’s a huge reason I used alcohol and drugs in the first place.  As I continue my recovery journey, I am constantly adapting new techniques and finding new ways to appropriately deal with my triggers and the cravings they produce.  I can tell you with 100% certainty that using alcohol and/or drugs is NEVER the answer to ANY problem.  It is a temporary fix that will only makes things worse in the long run.  Trust me on this one.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

4. My Rock-Bottom

In last week’s column I explained the irony in the beauty of an addict hitting rock-bottom.  What better way to follow that up than with a personal recount of my last rock-bottom?  I remember my bottom very well.  I’m terrified at even the thought of going back.  With that being said, I am also extremely grateful for my rock-bottom and the way it helped “break” me down (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) to a place where I was finally willing to put in the honest work that’s required to achieve long term sobriety.  Like many other addicts, my rock-bottom saved my life.  

In December of 2018 I was arrested (again) after wrecking my car (again) while under the influence of a combination of alcohol, marijuana and Xanax.  I also had 350 Xanax pills in my possession, packaged and ready for sale.  I was arrested, processed that night and released from the police station early the next morning.  They charged me with a felony, six misdemeanors and several violations.  I immediately entered a local detox center later that day.  I had already been through this so many times before: the arrests, the detoxes, the rehabs, the court mandated programs, etc.   

Two days into the detox process, I had a seizure while in the bathroom as a result of withdrawals from alcohol and Xanax.  When I fell, I slammed my head against the porcelain toilet.  I don’t remember too much but when I finally came to, I was surrounded by nurses and doctors shining flashlights in my eyes and talking amongst themselves.  A few more moments passed when I realized that something was different.  Something was very wrong.  As I went to stand myself up, I realized that I no longer had mobility in my legs.  I was trying with everything I had in me to stand up, but all that I could do was move my upper body.  My legs were dead weight.  When doctors lightly pinched my legs, I could feel them doing it.  I just couldn’t get them to move.  Doctors went on to run many tests while they grasped at straws trying to figure out what was wrong with my legs.  They concluded that when I fell and hit my head against the toilet, the “connection” from my brain to my lower body was disrupted, affecting the mobility of my legs.  They ultimately diagnosed me with temporary paralysis.  What should have been a 4-5 day stay in detox turned into over a month long stay in the hospital where I had to relearn how to walk with the help of doctors, nurses and physical therapists. 

I remember sitting in my hospital room a few days after my fall, at the young age of twenty-seven years old, wondering if I’d ever walk again. Doctors wondered the same thing.  To say this was a very dark and difficult time for me is an understatement.  This rock-bottom was different from the many others I had hit in the past because for the first-time in my life, a legitimate feeling of fear was instilled in me when my legs became immobile, and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever walk again.  I now have absolutely no doubt in my mind that had I not had that traumatic experience, I would have left that detox, gone back to using drugs and would eventually hit a new rock-bottom (if I was lucky enough), or even worse, the ultimate rock-bottom… DEATH.  Thankfully, that’s not how it went.   

It’s been over three years since my fall in that hospital bathroom and I still thank my higher power daily for allowing me to hit that rock-bottom. It saved my life.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

3. The Beauty of Hitting Rock-Bottom

I remember sitting in the first group of my first rehab, fresh off a BRUTAL seven-day detox, and some other patients kept making references to “rock-bottom.”  At the time, I didn’t think much of it.  As I spent more time in that rehab, I learned that “rock-bottom” is a concept used to refer to an addicts’ lowest point in their addiction. It is often a crisis event that leads an addict to realize that they have lost control over their drug or alcohol use.  It’s a point so low, a pain so deep, that the addict finally becomes willing to do the work to get sober and recover from their addiction(s).  Hitting rock-bottom is unique to the addict, meaning one addict’s rock-bottom may look far different from another’s.

As I lay in bed later that night in rehab, I was so sure that I had finally hit my rock-bottom and that it was all going to be uphill from that moment on.  Boy was I wrong.  I hadn’t even begun to scratch the surface of what hitting rock-bottom was going to entail.  Like so many other addicts, I possess this unique ability of locating “trap-doors” in my rock-bottom by continuing to use alcohol and drugs.  As an addict, I “specialize” in finding new ways and means of inflicting pain (physical and/or emotional) and suffering upon myself.

An addict hitting rock-bottom is often a very dark and/or painful experience for everyone involved.  Remember from earlier that we consider rock-bottom to be an “absolute low-point of one’s addiction.”  Now, while rock-bottom may initially be perceived as this dark and/or painful experience, there may come a point in time where we begin viewing this same exact event of hitting rock-bottom as something that is also, ironically, very beautiful; an addict beginning their journey of recovery.

I know, it’s a lot to unpack at once, but try and stay with me....

Rock-bottom is the point in an addict’s addiction where the pain (physical and/or emotional) becomes so unbearable that it sparks a positive change to occur, that being newfound sobriety.  So, what we initially considered to be the very darkest, most ugly time for an addict may eventually be viewed as something truly beautiful being that it helped save the addict from the ultimate rock-bottom… DEATH. 

I want to conclude this week’s column with a quote from J.K. Rowling, the New York Times best-selling author of the Harry Potter book series.  She was recounting hitting a rock-bottom of her own when she so perfectly captured the irony in the beauty of hitting rock-bottom.  She said, “and so, rock-bottom became the solid foundation on which I re-built my life.”  

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

2. Pathways to Recovery

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Service Administration (SAMHSA) defines addictions/substance use disorders as occurring “when the recurrent use of alcohol and/or drugs causes clinically and functionally significant impairment, such as health problems, disability, and failure to meet major responsibilities at work, school or home.” SAMSHA’s working definition of recovery from substance use disorders is, “a dynamic process of change through which addicted individuals improve their health and wellness, live a self-directed life and strive to reach their full potential.” 

There is no set “blueprint” that can be used for helping all addicts/alcoholics successfully achieve long-term recovery from their addictions.  Recovery is unique to the individual; it differs on a case-by-case basis. In this week’s column, I’d like to focus on two different pathways to recovery: clinical pathways and non-clinical pathways.

Clinical pathways are recovery processes that are aided by the services of a healthcare provider, clinician, therapist or other credentialed professional.

Non-clinical pathways are recovery processes that do not use healthcare professionals or medicine.  These pathways are often community-based and peer-supported. 

The majority of recovering addicts that I personally know (it’s a lot) used a clinical pathway to begin their recovery journey from their addiction(s).  The most common clinical pathway to recovery often entails an addict attending a medical detox center where medical professionals perform what is referred to as a “medically assisted detox” where doctors, nurses and other trained medical professionals administer certain medications to help ease the discomforts of drug withdrawals.  The detox process generally takes anywhere from 2-7 days depending on the type of drug(s), how much and how often the addict is using.  After completing the detox process, addicts usually enter either a short-term or a long-term rehabilitation center/program.  A short-term rehab can last anywhere from 7-28 days (often comes down to money available and/or insurance policies, but I’ll save that for another day).  A long-term rehab can last anywhere from a couple of months to even years long.  During an addict’s stay in rehab, they are required to attend daily groups and meetings with other patients.  These groups are often led by trained professionals, nurses, clinicians and/or therapists with the common goal of helping addicts better understand their addictions while also helping equip them with basic life skills and coping mechanisms to help lead a more functional life, without the use of illicit mind or mood-altering substances.  There are other, different, clinical pathways to recovery.  My example is just one very common (and condensed) example of an addict using a clinical pathway to begin their recovery journey. 

Other recovering addicts that I personally know used a non-clinical pathway to begin their long-term recovery from their addiction(s).  They were able to stop using drugs without the use of a medical institution, medicine, medical professional, trained clinician or credentialed therapist. Some of the most common non-clinical pathways to recovery often involves routine attendance to community-based, peer-supported, self-help groups.  Some of these groups can include, but are not limited to, Narcotics Anonymous (NA), Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Gamblers Anonymous or Sexaholics Anonymous.  These self-help groups often follow a twelve-step process that was first formulated by other addicts and alcoholics back in 1938.  Self-help groups are a place where addicts can safely share with each other their experiences while using drugs, experiences while getting sober and (if applicable) experiences while in sustained long-term recovery from their addiction(s).  

At the end of the day, only the addict himself/herself can choose which pathway to recovery they feel will be best suited in helping them to begin their recovery journey from their addiction(s).  Whether an addict uses a clinical pathway to recovery or a non-clinical pathway to recovery, the end goal of each remains the same; To help the addict recover from their addiction(s).

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.